why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
