I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
