I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
