Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
