I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
