Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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