I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
