Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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