Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
