i jhust puked up my retainher.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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