im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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