dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
