Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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