i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
