If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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