I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
