I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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