I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
