Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
