Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
