Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
