Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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