remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
