It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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