I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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