Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
