There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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