i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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