Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
