Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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