I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Even the bartender felt bad for me
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
