i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
