i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
