My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
The air was thick with penises
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
