I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
