at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
