I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
