16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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