oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
