On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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