I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
