The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
