We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you didnt know i had herpes?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
