Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
