My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm jealous of your bromance
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
