you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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