On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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