Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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