have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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