my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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