I wish my penis had an off switch
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
