I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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