6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
