Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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