I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
