I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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