So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
