Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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